OK To Cry? Expressing Emotions and Vulnerability Is A New Wave At Work
Having emotional vulnerability in the workplace is seen as OK.
Raise your hand if you have cried at work.
My hand is up. Once early in my career when a boss was cruel in her comments to me in front of the newsroom and later in my career when a boss viciously chastised me for calling attention to a problem in the organization. Both outbursts were confined to me standing alone at the sink in the ladies’ room.
While this has been a definitively banned reaction for what seems like forever especially for women, new research shows being emotionally vulnerable in the workplace is optimal not just for employees, but for leaders and management.
It is now stigmatized in many workplace cultures to lack emotional awareness and to present as immune to emotions. Maybe not a full-out crying outburst that lasts all day, but an emotional response that is genuine earns comradery and community respect.
“It is now stigmatized in many #workplace #cultures to lack emotional awareness and to present as immune to emotions. ”
A new Wiley Workplace Intelligence research report, The Emotional Paycheck: Going Beyond Traditional Compensation, states, “Employees’ priorities have evolved to include more than just a paycheck. The more holistic elements of employee wellbeing, such as culture, flexibility, location, and perks, are said to make up their ‘emotional paycheck.’”
What that means to colleagues across generations varies, but having a psychologically safe workplace where it is OK to be authentically yourself is a plus.
According to the Wiley report, “The findings suggest culture actually tops money in terms of overall importance. Given a choice between culture and money, nearly three-fourths (73%) of respondents said a positive organizational culture” is most important.
Being an emotional leader is a positive attribute, according to LSE Business Review.
“When we observe our leaders’ emotions, our own emotions inadvertently fluctuate in response, and these feelings may also impact our attitudes and behaviors at work.”
The Review continues, “Steve Jobs was well-known as a leader with intense emotional expressions. Although this characteristic has often been portrayed as a dark side of this genius, John Sculley—the former Apple CEO—disclosed a little-known fact: Steve Jobs’ crying at the office was actually one reason employees loved working for him.”
The acceptance of crying spreads to celebrities crying in public and on TV from Jimmy Kimmel to Justin Bieber. According to Psychology Today, men crying openly is now sanctioned—in some cultures, including the U.S..
“ Being an emotional leader is a positive attribute, according to @LSEforBusiness. #workplaceculture”
“Crying has gone in and out of being an accepted norm throughout history, depending on the prevailing social philosophy and gender role beliefs,” writes Pamela Rutledge, Ph.D., M.B.A., Director of the Media Psychology Research Center and faculty in the media psychology program at Fielding Graduate University, in Psychology Today.
“Attitudes have gradually shifted, and while it has become more acceptable for men to express their emotions openly, the double standards remain. We are more tolerant towards men crying when the situations are socially acceptable or understandable.”
For instance, anyone at work crying because there are no more donuts in the break room is ridiculous, while someone crying on a team Zoom call about the recent passing of a partner is understandable and will elicit support.
“When a leader cries, it shows vulnerability, which helps build the trust that defines high-performing teams,” according to In the Black.
This demonstrates a culture of psychological safety, all the way to the top.
“Achieving a culture of emotional openness requires establishing what is – and what is not – appropriate when expressing emotions in the workplace,” according to In The Black.
The sexist stereotypes that women are too emotional to be leaders is thankfully receding. In its place are organizations where all employees operate with emotional intelligence and empathy.
“Effective emotional understanding and management help team members cohere, be more productive, and feel valued and understood. Additionally, managers who show more empathy toward direct reports are viewed by their bosses as better performers in their jobs,” according to Forbes. “Showing your employees that you care about their emotional wellbeing can not only keep them invested in working for your organization but can help them tap into their full leadership potential.”
“The sexist stereotypes that women are too emotional to be leaders is thankfully receding. #genderequality #femaleleaders”
Dr. Alex Wills, MD, a psychiatrist and author of the 2023 book, Give a F*ck, Actually: Reclaim Yourself with the 5 Steps of Radical Emotional Acceptance, tells PsychCentral, “I think of crying as this beautiful release, and it’s almost like the floodgates are, you know, literally floodgates are open of this waterfall of tears coming. And that taps us into that deep truth of the intensity of the sadness when we finally allow that, that crying to happen, we’re put in immediate touch with whatever might be going on.”
This shift in allowance of emotional vulnerability in the workplace comes at a time where there is much to grieve and worry about in the world.
The World Happiness Report states that the U.S. ranks #24 of all countries in happiness, while Finland, Scotland, Sweden and Denmark fill out the top four slots.
“North America happiness has fallen so sharply for the young that they are now less happy than the old,” the report shows. In 2021-2023, negative emotions were in every region more prevalent for females than males, with almost everywhere the gender gap being larger at higher ages.”
Regulating the range of responses at work requires emotional intelligence. CEO Magazine reports, “According to a study by TalentSmart, emotional intelligence plays the biggest role in performance. It found that 90 percent of top performers are high in emotional intelligence.”
“Regulating the range of responses at work requires emotional intelligence. #workplace ”
How to do that for yourself and also as a leader is essential to creating and maintaining a positive work culture. And not everyone wants to reveal how they are feeling.
“Many people conflate expressing emotions with being melodramatic or losing control. You can model a more reserved approach for employees who are less emotionally expressive by letting them know that you're sad, frustrated or angry without crying or yelling,” Inc. reports.
Natalie Boudou, an emotional intelligence expert, executive coach and the author of HumanForce: The Power Of Emotions In A Changing Workplace, wants to change all that, she tells Stylist.
“To break down some of the barriers it is helpful to recognize that all emotions, pleasant or painful, have a purpose and a message and shouldn’t be suppressed. If accepted and acknowledged they can push us to action and make us perform more effectively,” Boudou says
“Emotions can be powerful in many areas of our work life. Decision-making is an integral part of work and emotion plays a considerable role in making the right choices. Many people talk about ‘going with their gut’ or using their intuition. This is a good example of emotion determining our actions.”
Read more in Take The Lead on emotional wellness
Boudou says, “Emotions are also key in creativity, in problem-solving and in getting on with our colleagues…Workplaces that stifle emotions fail to leverage the human factor that can be so powerful.”
Karen Natzel, a business therapist, writes in New England Biz Law Update, “It takes awareness and courage to express emotions in a constructive way. By doing so you are raising your emotional intelligence, strengthening relationships, and investing in an emotionally rich workplace culture.”
Natzel adds, “There is a misguided belief that being ‘professional’ requires us to not be ‘emotional.’ To the contrary, consummate professionals must raise their personal and social emotional competencies to succeed in the work world. Navigating tough, big emotions in the workplace can feel daunting. We may feel disappointed for not getting a promotion, rejected for getting laid off, unappreciated for a contribution we made that went unrecognized, disrespected for not being involved in a discussion, or intimidated by a forceful personality.”
In 2016, researchers from Korn Ferry Hay Group used data from 55,000 professionals in 90 countries and discovered, “Women received better ratings on all competencies except emotional self-control, where no gender difference was found. In other competencies that are important for success at work, women scored higher,” the HR Zone reports.
Researchers reported, “regardless of gender, our data shows that the most effective leaders within organizations are those who are able to demonstrate emotional and social intelligence….”
Journalist Rose Hackman in her 2023 book, Emotional Labor: The Invisible Work Shaping Our Lives and How to Claim Our Power, writes that emotional labor “happens at work where women, in addition to their job description are pushed into performing the roles of mother or sexpot for the enjoyment of others but rarely for any real benefit to them.”
This emotional labor women are expected to spend can be costly and ignoring it can also extract a price.
“This emotional labor women are expected to spend can be costly and ignoring it can also extract a price. #genderroles”
“The truth is women do tend to be better at these types of skills because we’ve been incentivized from a very young age to execute these kinds of tough caregiving tasks. We are going to be policed out in the world. A woman who is seen as ambitious is seen as a threat. She’s seen as aggressive. She’s probably going to be penalized in the white-collar workforce, as being aggressive, leaning in, is not enough to get ahead. You also have to express a lot of caring attributes, have to be very docile—even as you are competent and competent,” reports The Greater Good from Berkeley.
Being able to emotionally connect to all colleagues as well as top management creates better work relationships. According to a McKinsey report, “When it comes to employee happiness, bosses and supervisors play a bigger role than one might guess. Relationships with management are the top factor in employees’ job satisfaction, which in turn is the second most important determinant of employees’ overall well-being.”
“Being able to emotionally connect to all colleagues as well as top management creates better work relationships. #careeradvice”
Leadership Takeaway of The Week:
“Workplaces that stifle emotions fail to leverage the human factor that can be so powerful.”--Natalie Boudou, executive coach and the author of HumanForce: The Power Of Emotions In A Changing Workplace.
