Don’t Get Mad: Keys to Calm Negotiating With Tough Partners for Your Win
In an era of yelling at work, you do not need to join the fury.
A newly pervasive culture of shouting matches at school board meetings, city council meetings, citizen meetings with elected officials, youth sports, union meetings, public protests, board meetings, diplomacy meetings, and even televised negotiations from the Oval Office have all normalized yelling, name-calling, and bullying in spaces where that is completely avoidable.
This behavior is neither normal nor productive. So how do you change the momentum of the moment when you are in a work environment and someone shouts, yells, screams, or causes chaos to erupt?
In a highly volatile and disruptive time, it seems necessary to lay out strategies and tools to navigate, redirect, and resolve the conflict in a way that restores professionalism. And to make the workplace a safe place to express your ideas and offer your input without the threat of altercation. Yes, you can be upset, but do not sink to the lowest type of expressions.
“In a highly #volatile and #disruptive time, it seems necessary to lay out #strategies and #tools to #navigate, #redirect, and #resolve the #conflict in a way that restores #professionalism.”
Read more in Take The Lead on avoiding toxic traits
A 2024 study out of Brazil in 2024 about women tech leaders in collaborative teams dealing with harassment, sexism, dismissiveness, and difficulty being heard offer specific strategies to shift the dynamic.
A key point is to secure “mutual female support.” Participants reported “highlighting female companionship to promote equality” is key. “The leaders emphasized the need for support systems to be heard in collaborative meetings” in order to “validate their contributions and voice their opinions.
Read more in Take The Lead on having a mean boss
Common sense also purports that you never respond to a shouting bully in kind. One tactic is to remain silent for a minute or two when someone yells, in order for the individual and the group to take in how inappropriate the behavior was. Very often, the person will interpret the silence as a time to apologize. Accept the apology.
European Union Commission President Ursula von der Leyen at the recent EU meeting with 27 world leaders expressed ways to negotiate with the newly tenuous relationship with U.S. officials.
"Our first priority is now to work on the many areas where the interests converge," von der Leyen says. "We will be ready for tough negotiations where needed and to find solutions where possible, to work out any grievances and to set the foundations for a stronger partnership."
“We will be ready for tough #negotiations where needed and to find #solutions where possible, to work out any #grievances and to set the #foundations for a #stronger #partnership. –@vonderleyen”
Read more in Take The Lead on workplace drama
In his recent book, Why Do Rude People Piss Me Off! How to Deal with Difficult People: Understanding and Overcoming Everyday Frustrations with Humor and Grace, author Michael Bennett offers a number of ways to deal calmly with toxic people who offer “manipulation, negativity, and drama” in interactions.
Bennett suggests, “setting personal boundaries and sticking to them—without guilt or second-guessing.” This can include excusing yourself politely from a meeting that gets completely out of control, or coming prepared with outcomes and specific answers to counter attacks.
It is important, Bennett says, “to build mental strength resilience to stay calm, focused, and confident, no matter what challenges come your way.” Additionally, “Mastering emotional regulation to prevent stress, frustration, and negativity from controlling your reactions,” can deflate the boisterous person in the room.
Read more in Take The Lead on outrageous acts at work
According to New Zealand’s 1News, “The bully boss is by far the hardest boss to work with. The manifestations of this attitude can take many forms, such as talking over you in meetings, dismissing your ideas, taking credit for your work, diminishing your contribution, constantly changing the goal posts so you can’t win, using aggression and force, or just eroding your confidence day by day.”
What works in this dynamic is, “Always stay calm and professional in your interactions with them (even if they don't). Set firm boundaries regarding how you're prepared to be spoken to.”
“Always stay #calm and #professional in your #interactions with them (even if they don’t). Set firm #boundaries regarding how you’re prepared to be spoken to. –@SPI3RC3”
In her 2024 book, "Navigating Difficult Work Environments with Resilience," author Manisha X. Wheeler suggests that “staying connected with the business mission” helps to divert emotionalism out of the interactions at meetings. Staying optimistic also help.
In a recent Fast Company article, author Eileen Smith, a former U.S. diplomat, explained the necessity to prepare for an encounter with someone who is toxic, aggressive or bullying. “At the State Department, we called this a Murder Board. If someone was preparing for a confirmation hearing on the Hill, representatives from every office involved would come together and bring their worst. The nominee would give an answer (and get their caustic, glib responses off their chest). Then the group would discuss how they could make the answer stronger.”
Read more in Take The Lead on lies at work
Meryl Streep in a recent speech told the audience, “Disrespect invites disrespect.” The iconic award-winning actor said,” When the powerful use their power to bully others, we all lose.”
At The OpEd Project, where I have been a senior facilitator since 2011, the curriculum offers that dealing with opposition is a constant need in the public media landscape and that there are distinct strategies. Treating those opposing your idea with “empathy and respect” is critical.
The tool to “absorb, bridge and sparkle” in an aggressive conversation is also helpful and fruitful. That means to take in the question, bridge it to what you want to say, and absolutely shine in your full response with outcomes, data, relevant information and evidence.
“Take in the #question, bridge it to what you want to say, and absolutely shine in your full response with #outcomes, #data, relevant #information and #evidence. @theopedproject”
Other experts agree on this tactic. Eldonna Lewis-Fernandez, author of Think Like a Negotiator: 50 Ways to Create Win-Win Results by Understanding the Pitfalls to Avoid, calls this bridging as well. “Say, ‘What I think you really want to know is . . . and this is how we are handling that,’” she tells Fast Company.
The reason some colleagues, leaders and managers may express anger or inappropriate bullying behavior at work may be because of lack of training. A recent Careerbuilder.com study reports “58% of managers said they hadn't received management training before they took the role. Most get promoted for being technically good at their jobs – the one they probably trained years to do. Then comes a promotion and they inherit a team, but when it comes to leading people, so few are adequately trained for the unique challenges that brings. That’s how we get bad bosses.”
As someone who has been shouted at in meetings, called a name, and sworn at during particularly contentious management shifts, I know that top leaders reacted by initiating a formal process of meeting protocol. Everyone was sent a list of expectations and behaviors and asked to sign it before each large meeting. Those behaviors called for respectful behaviors, no name-calling, no personal attacks, and no shouting.
Also, the person who was speaking was given the gavel, and no one could speak unless they were holding the gavel. It stopped the interruptions.
Eventually, the tone of meetings turned calmer and much more professional. Humor also helps, but not at anyone’s expense. What is in the best interest of everyone is to maintain a civil atmosphere and move on to complete tasks and produce outcomes.
During Women’s History Month it is fitting to look at the pioneers who affected deep change without losing their tempers wildly; yet their disruption was lasting. Rosa Parks, who initiated the Montgomery Bus Boycott and was a key Civil Rights Movement leader said, “You must never be fearful about what you are doing when it is right,”
“What is in the best interest of all is to maintain a #civil #atmosphere and move on to #completetasks and #produceoutcomes.”
