This Is Personal: An anniversary and a breakthrough…
Issue 283 — December 23, 2024
Most weeks in my “Sum” column, I write about women, power, and leadership. But this week something personal took over my thinking and I decided to go with it. I hope it will resonate with you and perhaps even help someone who needs to hear it this time of year, when it is often difficult if you’re missing loved ones.
The Winter Solstice, December 21, 2024, would have been my 44th wedding anniversary.
We picked the date precisely because it was the longest night of the year and therefore we could remember it. Well, OK, the longest night does also have sexy connotations, so it was an appropriate choice from that perspective too.
We had met at midlife, had each been married previously and each had three children who were out of the nest, though every so often one of them needed to come home for a few months. Neither of us put a lot of stock in getting married again. We often said we just “slid into it.”
And we were exceedingly fortunate to have 44 years together, including the two before we slid into marriage in the living room of the first home we bought together. I wore a practical grey suit I had bought because I could wear it for work after the occasion.
The wedding party included my parents, our children, a few close friends, the rabbi who conducted the ceremony in spite of Alex’s disdain for organized religion, and two people who were preparing the brunch they had donated, and we had purchased, at an ACLU fundraising auction. That was very in keeping with one of the things we most had in common: involvement in social justice organizations.
In keeping with our egalitarian relationship, we broke the ritual glass together. I like to think we started a trend.
This winter solstice, for the first time since his passing on July 17, 2022, I was able to wear the red plaid flannel shirt that Alex bought for the two of us. We liked to be twinsies and once he discovered how easy it is to click and buy online, there was no stopping him.
I gave his plaid flannel shirt to a friend who also fancied the Untuckit brand of shirts that fit short men like him especially well. I kept mine. But it made me so sad to look at the shirt in my closet that I couldn’t put it on for the last 2 1/2 years.
My friend Vickie remembered the significance of the day and took me to a beautiful Alvin Ailey ballet and then dinner. The shirt, to my surprise, seemed like the perfect thing to wear on a cold winter day.
So I put it on and it felt good.
A few lessons I have learned:
>> I am in a new stage of life and it is up to me to define what it will be.
>> It’s healing to remember the laughter as much as the serious times.
>> We are the sum of the people we love: past, present, and future.
Since Christmas and the first night of Hanukkah occur on the same day this year, and Kwanzaa the next day, let’s all take the moment to appreciate fully the people in our lives.
Whatever you celebrate, do it with a whole heart. I wish you a meaningful holiday, full of light and love.
GLORIA FELDT is the Cofounder and President of Take The Lead, a motivational speaker, a global expert in women’s leadership development and DEI for individuals and companies that want to build gender balance. She is a bestselling author of five books, most recently Intentioning: Sex, Power, Pandemics, and How Women Will Take The Lead for (Everyone’s) Good. Honored as Forbes 50 Over 50, and Former President of Planned Parenthood Federation of America, she is a frequent media commentator. Learn more at www.gloriafeldt.com and www.taketheleadwomen.com. Find her @GloriaFeldt on all social media.