Just Listen: The Secret Power of Conflict and Controversy

Issue 248 — December 18, 2023

Oftentimes well-meaning men ask me how they can help women to advance in their careers.

I answer, “Listen. Just listen.”

Now comes a breathtaking example of what can happen when men don’t listen to women:

It’s a concrete and chillingly consequential example of how male privilege lets men disregard women’s voices. If male Israeli officers had listened to the women whose job it was to monitor Hamas, the deaths and destruction of October 7 and its devastating aftermath war could have been prevented.

The article cites studies I often reference as reason for gender parity in leadership:

“Research shows that countries with more women in power are less likely to go to war or to have a civil war. And when women are included in peace processes, they tend to be more successful and last longer. So just think how different the world could be now if women shared power and authority equally with men. Ultimately, the authority gap is much more than an irritation: it can be a matter of life and death.”

A matter of life and death — strong words, but they are validated by the tragic consequences of not listening.

Source: Council on Foreign Relations.

As Nobel Prize winning economist Daniel Kahneman explained in his book Thinking, Fast and Slow, it’s almost impossible to change people’s minds. Once those officers had formed their mental biases that disregarded women’s ability to make high-level judgments, and once they had arrogantly solidified their belief that Hamas’s plans to attack Israel were only “aspirational,” the women who had presented the now-validated observations were almost certainly to be disregarded.

Yet listening, simply listening, can not only lead to better decision making as has been documented over and over by multiple studies, it can reinforce our common humanity. That in turn allows us to solve seemingly intractable problems. It provides a framework for people to keep talking. And as long as they are talking, they are less likely to engage in violent behavior.

Gender parity is simple justice for women of course, but even more, it’s good for everyone regardless of gender. And its principles apply across culture as well as gender.

“Ultimately, I’m going to say I look forward to women taking a stronger place in life. Because I think that may be our hope for the future.” — Actress Helen Mirren, who portrays Israel’s first female prime minister in the movie Golda, on her vision for the future of peace in the Middle East.

So how is it possible to overcome the biases that blinded those officers to the imminent danger?

I developed the concept of Gender Bilingual Communication as a contribution to the understanding and practice of diversity, equity, and inclusion for Take The Lead’s clients. I first presented it to a large group of corporate and government diversity officers.

Download our “Language of Leadership: Gender Bilingual Communication” E-Book here if you’d like to learn more about how to apply the principle that you can learn to listen and speak to be understood effectively across gender and culture, religion, and other differences.

The willingness to engage in difficult and even heatedly controversial conversations is a critically important leadership skill. Almost all leaders today will have a diverse workforce. And a diverse workforce inevitably brings with it both the advantages of increased innovation and the challenges of diverse socio-political perspectives that can lead to explosive arguments, such as those regarding Israel’s response to Hamas’s attacks.

Leaders no longer have the option of sweeping controversial issues of social justice under the rug. Ever since the murder of George Floyd, employees have made clear they want to work for companies that take positions on hot button social justice issues. They can no longer ignore antisemitism, racism, sexism, anti-LGBTQ, or any other issue of currency to their workforce.

After the U.S Supreme Court’s Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health Organization decision overturned Roe v. Wade, effectively making abortion illegal across much of the country, movements immediately emerged expecting companies to pay for travel if women needed it to get the procedure. No longer is neutrality about such an important women’s health issue, long the position taken by most companies, acceptable.

Amazon, Disney, and Apple were among several companies who responded to the overturning of Roe v. Wade by offering expanded benefits to their employees to pay for abortion-related travel fees, ABC news reports.

Decades of leading arguably one of the most controversial organizations in America taught me to embrace controversy, not to shy away from it.

If only people will listen, controversy can provide a platform for robust conversation while those on multiple sides of an issue are paying attention. This in turn forces people to examine their beliefs and values, the various consequences of alternative solutions, and to engage in discourse with people whose ideas they might abhor.

It’s not easy to have these conversations and certainly it requires significant skills to guide them productively. The leader has to set the tone and the expectation that people will be listened to.

Most of all, leadership requires the courage to listen.

GLORIA FELDT is the Cofounder and President of Take The Lead, a motivational speaker, a global expert in women’s leadership development and DEI for individuals and companies that want to build gender balance. She is a bestselling author of five books, most recently Intentioning: Sex, Power, Pandemics, and How Women Will Take The Lead for (Everyone’s) Good. Honored as Forbes 50 Over 50, and Former President of Planned Parenthood Federation of America, she is a frequent media commentator. Learn more at www.gloriafeldt.com and www.taketheleadwomen.com. Find her @GloriaFeldt on all social media.